Dear Kate,
Elizabeth here. As you know, in journalism when something happens in threes it’s probably worthy of a story. Well, have I got a lead for you. Over the summer I’ve heard tales from several people with a confounding theme: During trips to see close friends or family, they all played second fiddle to their hosts’ kids. And I’m not talking about newborns or toddlers who need constant attention. In every case, the parents either made no adjustment to the kids’ meals or schedules (buttered noodles at 4 o’clock anyone?), planned activities around the kids’ interests not the guests’, and generally speaking went to very little effort to make their visit special. These folks had taken vacation time and gotten on planes to see their loved ones. It was a Big Deal to them that was treated like business as usual.
As an obsessed auntie whose nieces and nephew live on the other side of the country this is still incomprehensible to me. While nothing brings me more joy than going to their soccer games, watching G-rated movies, reading bedtime stories, and eating dinner by 6 o’clock, my brother and sister-in-law treat our time together like an event. They ready the guest room with welcome art. Pick up my favorite biscuit sandwiches for breakfast. Plan field trips with the whole family in mind, and also carve out a night on the town for just the adults.
As a parent, what do you think is happening here? And, what can these neglected guests do to salvage future trips and avoid resentment?
Kate: Yikes, three’s a crowd with this troubling trend. I’m straining to find a compassionate “why” behind these brazen violations of hospitality. Traveling to visit close friends or family requires a delicate dance where both the guest and host have a role to play. The guest can’t unduly intrude on a busy family’s routines and rhythms, while the host must carve genuine space to nurture the relationship and recognize the sacrifices the guest has made to be there in the first place.
I’ve been thinking about this recently because I just did the same thing, but in reverse. I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday, and naturally we started talking about some upcoming plans. Next summer, our family is scheduled to have our every-other-year family reunion. The out-of-towners fly in for a lovely couple of days on Gull Lake. It’s great, but you need to reserve lodging a year in advance and there isn’t a lot of flexibility, which I knew. My mom was understandably eager to get this confirmed, but for some reason I decided to push back. “Is that the only option? We’ll have baseball,” I told her, coldly.
“It’s just two days,” she responded, flatly. I knew instantly I’d hurt her feelings. She makes a point to give my family a lot of latitude for our chaotic lives, yet I conveyed to her that my sons’ baseball games are more important. I love our time together, but all the stress and anxiety I feel about scheduling and planning multiple trips and commitments bubbled up into an uncharitable and bratty response. I still need to apologize.
While I can’t imagine how someone would deign to serve buttered noodles to a weary traveler who’s more in need of a neighborhood bistro and a glass of wine, I know all too well how a certain myopia can cause us to inadvertently offend the ones we love the most. Guests and hosts alike, we gotta stay vigilant and self-aware out there!
Elizabeth: Is it too reductive to chalk up all of these scenarios to parental overwhelm? Despite your family reunion being a whole year away, I can sense you going into freeze mode. Because you know that even two days away in the middle of baseball season will be a drain on your time and energy no matter how much you enjoy your extended family. I wonder if the parents in our story simply had a hard time saying NO to hosting when they knew on some level that it was all going to be too much? Maybe that’s where the self-awareness you speak of comes in. Not after the guests have arrived but in not planning anything you can’t fully show up for.
Kate: Parental overwhelm lets us off too easy. Sure, we’re overwhelmed but everyone is overwhelmed. I worry my friends without kids feel as though they need to over-acknowledge the presence of mine. They don’t. My life isn’t busier, it’s just different. Why is it that we’re coming back again to the power of saying NO? Is it the lesson that refuses to get learned? Next summer’s reunion isn’t optional, nor would I want it to be, but plenty of plans that put a strain on time, energy and budget are. We’d be wise to remember the difference.
Quick Q:
So, speaking of travel, I’m about to embark on a very un-Kate adventure. Somehow I’m hitting the road for fishing in Canada followed by a virgin voyage into the Boundary Waters. I’ve been getting conflicting advice on functional yet passably cute footwear. Since you’re a hiking regular in Northern California and look good while doing it, help me out here. (Also, I know you know your way around a campsite!). –Kate
Elizabeth: First, I salute you for braving the BWCA! That is an advanced move I haven’t attempted since my youth. Do you remember Danner boots from back then? The teal Jags were iconic and I wanted a pair almost as badly as Girbaud jeans and Benetton sweaters. They’re back and have had a reboot (derp!) while maintaining that 80s vibe. I bought a more neutral pair (you’d rock these) when we moved to CA and while they’re not sexy, they check every box you’ll need: ankle support, lightweight, waterproof, decent tread and zero breaking in required. I wear mine for hiking, walking the dog when it’s wet outside, and for kicking around Tahoe. You are not Cheryl Strayed. You do not need these unless you’re spending days without shelter traversing challenging terrain. Now for the love of god please don’t forget the bug spray.
P.S.
Hostess gifting the most delicious tarot deck. Wishing we had read It Ends With Us—in theaters on Friday! Someone please buy this. Mediocre reviews, don’t care when it comes to Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. You should be reverse searing. Wild guess this is why tomatoes were invented. Tig Notaro at 4:07. Lindsey Vonn’s outfit at Opening Ceremonies. It’s about damn time. Go ahead Gohar World, take all our money.
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